"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
