I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Randomize
