You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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