The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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