It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need moral support for this bender
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.