Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.