I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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