I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
