Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
