from now on my penis is your penis
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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