Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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