I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
