Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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