I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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