A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
