If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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