You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Let's get the cat blown out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
