I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
