my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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