just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
