this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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