I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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