I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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