how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
