i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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