Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
