i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
