Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
