note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
