My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
