look no pants
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
