So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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