I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just want to make out with him forever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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