Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
