epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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