he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
