I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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