Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
