It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
