you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
