we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
