I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
