he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
