Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We need a shit load of segways right now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
