Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
