so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
