If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
