matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
