remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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