I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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