He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
