when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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