My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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