Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
