I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
