I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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