I want to make a zoo with you.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
