Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
