Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want her autograph on my taint
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
