the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
