What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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